Horrible Nefariousness and Such
by Marie Hawkins
Summary: Captain Hammer rises again! Dr. Horrible must defeat his old nemesis, but he certainly can't do it alone...
1. Captain Tool Rises AGAIN!

"-are celebrating the return of Captain Hammer. Since the tragedy of losing what's-her-name three months ago, it's good to see he's back on the streets again, and defending all of us."

I rolled my eyes at the television. Since I joined the ELE, reporters had done nothing but complain how rotten life was without Captain Hammer. Frankly, it was pathetic and childish. But, the helplessness of humanity brought me a twisted sort of satisfaction. Since Captain Hammer was back, things would be a little harder for the ELE. Or at least for me. He was my nemesis after all. But first, may I ask, what did _I _do to deserve such a…dumb nemesis? I sighed. Things had been going so well. Leave it up to Captain Hammer to ruin everything.

"Can you believe he's up and kicking again?"

I turned to the voice. It belonged to a slender, slightly muscular, ominous looking raven haired woman. I recognized her. She had been accepted to the ELE several years before me, but she was still considered a newbie.

"Oh, Empress Nefarious! Hello," I greeted awkwardly. Let me be honest, speaking to women has never really been a strong suit of mine. I mean, I'm _okay_ if she wants to talk about dastardly plans or poisoning- …No, I just suck at talking to the opposite sex. Nefarious walked to my side, keeping her eyes glued to the television screen.

"Man, I had really hoped you got rid of that guy for good," she sighed.

"Yeah," I muttered. "Me too." There was probably nothing on this godforsaken planet that I wouldn't give to not have to stare at that dope for five more seconds. She glanced at me from the corner of her eye. I wondered if she had heard me, so I added:

"Well, everything went according to plan, I mean, he was _supposed_ to bounce back so that I could… defeat him. Again. And again." Empress Nefarious gave me a half smile. I could feel my cheeks flush slightly, which made me feel incredibly stupid. Members of the ELE do _not_ blush. Well, except for me, but, never mind. I'm working on it, okay? I turned my attention back to the TV.

"-swears revenge on Dr. Horrible. Perhaps this time, Captain Hammer will actually stand a chance."

I scoffed. Captain "Tool" thinks he has a chance? Heck no! I'm bad! I'm a member of the ELE, for God's sake!

"Ooh, a challenge," Nefarious said. "I remember when my nemesis used to challenge me," she sighed. I guess that was a happy memory for her. But then again, her nemesis wasn't Hammer. "But that was before I killed him," she added, looking at me.

"Oh," I laughed nervously.

"Don't worry, I'm sure Captain Hammer will be no problem for you." She winked at me and walked off. I let out my breath when she walked away. There were only a few people around this place that made me edgy, and she was one of them. Of course, since I'm a badass now, I can't wear my feelings on my sleeve. So I just try and be cool.

I walked home. I walked home dressed as Billy. Except, I wasn't really Billy anymore. I mean, yeah, I guess he'll always be a part of me and all that, but Billy isn't…bad. So I just have to suppress that part of me.

I passed the Coin Wash. Without realizing, I stopped in front of one of the windows. Subconsciously, I was searching for red hair in the crowd. Then, I remembered. Penny wasn't here anymore. Tears clouded my vision for several seconds.

'Oh, grow a pair of balls," I found myself thinking. Why was I moping around? I blinked the tears out of my eyes. Penny was the whole reason I was admitted into the ELE. And now I was going to make her precious little boyfriend look like the moron he actually was. At least, that's what I _hoped_ I would do. Somehow, every time I battled Captain Hammer, he made _me_ look like the idiot. Which was far, oh so very far, from the truth.

I squared my shoulders and continued my walk home uninterrupted. Moist was crashed on my sofa. He waved when I walked in.

"I grabbed your mail," he said, pointing to the dripping stack of letters on my desk. Note to self: One day, I need to pick up my own mail. Most days the letters were so soggy I couldn't read half of them. I picked up my mail and filed through it.

"Oh my God," I groaned. "If Johnny Snow sends me one more letter, I swear!" I vented out loud. If there was anyone I hated more than Captain Hammer it was Johnny Snow. Stupid poser.

"Did he complain about your lack of courage to do battle again?" Moist asked, still seated on the couch watching the television.

"Don't know, don't care," I replied, tossing Snow's letter into the trash. I shuffled through my other letters, not really caring what they were about. I set them back on my desk, and turned to face Moist.

"Hey!" he said, perking up. "Did you hear about Captain Hammer?" He pointed eagerly to the TV screen. I walked into the living room, and glanced at the news report before I sat on a couch adjacent to Moist (to avoid the whole water-stain-that-looks-like-a-pee-stain thing).

"Yep," I replied. "Captain Douchebag is done with therapy. And he's issued a challenge." Moist sat up straighter.

"Well, how are you going to defeat him? With your improved freeze gun?" he asked, eagerly. I sighed, and pinched the bridge of my nose.

"No, not with my freeze gun. It's not exactly…improved as of yet. Besides, I don't even know if I'm going to accept his stupid challenge. What are we, five now?" I asked. I wondered if there was a form you could fill out if you wanted to disown your nemesis and file for a new one.

"What?" asked a shocked Moist. "You can't just _not_ accept his challenge! You're a member of the ELE! You have to instill fear into the hearts of mankind!" he hit the arm of the couch with his fist for emphasis.

"I know!" I said, slightly irritated. "But challenges are so tacky." I was basically fishing here. I didn't want Moist to know I didn't want to fight Captain Hammer for petty reasons. Yes, I am a member of the ELE, but I don't have any of the cool equipment. I don't have status. I'm a _noob_. And everyone knows you stay away from the noobs if you want to live. So right now, I was treated like a bubonic plague victim. And I didn't want to fail. Not again.

"Well, technically, he didn't challenge you. It was more of an 'I'm-going-to-avenge-my-dead-girlfriend-by-combating-my-nemesis' statement." He paused, satisfied with his reply. But he added, "I guess it really wasn't an option, though, was it?"

I hadn't taken that into perspective. If Captain Hammer was determined to fight, and I didn't fight back, I would look like a HUGE pansy. Great.

"It doesn't matter," I told Moist. "I have something particularly _horrible_ planned." I just hoped I could think of some evil sounding plan before Moist asked me what it was.


	2. A Nefarious Solution

Writers are always complaining about writer's block and how it ruins their lives and blah blah blah. Well have you ever had evil-plan block? No. I didn't think so. Trust me; it's ten times worse than writer's block. It's not like I have any way out of this whole dueling Captain Hammer thing. Bad Horse said it would be good for my image to get rid of him. And it would be good for my ranking. Which, I guess means I would be moved up from noob. Which is definitely an improvement. I just have to think of a way to get rid of Captain Hammer. And my stupid freeze ray won't work. I've tried everything and I can't get rid of the delay and the impermanence.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock on my apartment door. I stood and answered.

"Empress Nefarious," I greeted. "Hello."

"We need to talk," she said, walking in. I'm not a genius in the world of women by any means. But I could tell she had something on her mind. I closed the door behind her.

"Ookay," I said. "Um, well you can- uh, just, have a seat," I said, nervously pointing to the couches. She walked quickly over to them, and sat. Immediately, she jumped up.

"What? What is it?" I asked walking to her side.

"Your couch is… wet," she said, bluntly.

"Oh." Well this was awkward. "Yeah, I think you sat in Moist's chair. Just pick a different cushion." Nefarious picked the one farthest away from where she had been sitting. I sat in my usual chair.

"So?" I asked, once we had sat in awkward silence for about two seconds. One prompted, she didn't hesitate to talk. I had to strain to keep up with her. Talking fast is an annoying habit of most females.

"Listen, I know that Captain Hammer is _your _nemesis and all, but he's recruited some extra help, and I was wondering-"

"Wait." I said, holding up my hand. "What? Captain Hammer has _help?_" Dear Lord. Talk about fighting dirty.

"Um, yeah. He has this sidekick, Baron Spatula," Nefarious replied, as though I should have known about Spatula. Which, maybe I should, but I really didn't watch much of the news last night. I had better things to do. Kinda.

"Oh, yeah. Him." I said. Okay, but _spatula_? What was it with heroes and their ridiculously un-creative names?

"So, do you want any help…?" Nefarious asked me. Honestly, I would let her _have_ the stupid battle. But I was kind of curious why she wanted the job.

"It's just Captain Hammer," I said, shrugging. "why is he so important to you?"

Nefarious paused before she replied, "We used to date." I guess my jaw dropped. I mean, I was making that face in my _head_, but sometimes it transfers to my external expression as well.

"That was before he found out Big Brother was my brother. Then he dumped me. And put my brother in prison," she added quickly.

"Whoa, Big Brother is _your_ brother?" I did a double take. Big Brother was legend. Not just in 1984, but in real life, too. He was one of the youngest people ever accepted to the ELE.

"Yeah. He used to be Captain Hammer's nemesis. So, I kinda have a bone to pick," she replied casually. "So whaddya say?"

This was perfect! Since Hammer had some extra help, I wouldn't look like a wussy showing up with some back-up. Ha! Captain Hammer thinks he's so smart. And strong. And cool. But he's not! And maybe Nefarious could help with the freeze ray. Or, maybe she's one of those combat people. Whatever. It doesn't matter. To each his own, right?

"Um, yeah. I guess you could join," I said slowly. I didn't want to come across as desperate or anything. Nefarious smiled. And then, she laughed. An evil laugh. One of the only laughs I have heard that was able to radiate pure evilness. It was beautiful. No one laughs like that anymore.

"You've got class," I whispered in awe. She gave me a quizzical look.

"Huh?"

"Unh, I said, 'do you want a glass?'… of water?" Yeah, I didn't really feel comfortable telling her that she rocks. I really don't even know her. But I'm pretty sure we've already established the fact that I have communication problems.

"Can I take a rain check?" she asked, standing.

"Um, yeah, sure," I said following suit.

"I'll be here tomorrow with some plans, is that okay?" she put her hand on the doorknob.

"Sure, come right on over. You can do that." I went to open the door for her, but I forgot her hand was already on the doorknob. It made for one of those awkward 'first physical contact with a girl you don't really know' moments. She didn't seem to notice, so maybe it was a one-sided awkwardness. She strode quickly out the door, and I shut it behind her.

Girls. They make life kinda complicated, dontcha think?


	3. Penny

"You're… cleaning," Moist observed. However, his observation was less of a statement and more of a question. "Wow. That's great. This place hasn't been very clean since you got into the ELE."

"We're having company, okay?" I told him. I hadn't had anyone visit me since I got into the ELE. The only person who really visits anyway is Moist.

"Oh. Well do you want me to go?" he asked. Under normal circumstances, I would love to entertain my guests without Moist tagging along. The guy was a great friend and all, but sometimes he was just… weird. This was a special case though. I wasn't entertaining a guest, I was plotting. I wasn't with just any regular joe, I was with a fellow ELE member (and I've noticed that if things don't go their way they tend to get a little violent). It wasn't a man, it was a woman. And that's probably what unnerved me the most.

"You can stay, man," I said, as I threw last month's mail away. Moist's face broke into a small smile. "Oh, and when you sit on the couch, don't forget the towel," I reminded him. I don't think that Nefarious thought much of my story yesterday. She doesn't know who Moist is, so she probably thinks I'm a psychopath with an imaginary friend. The psychopath part is okay.

Moist sighed and went to go find a towel. I walked over to my desk. Something crunched under my foot. I stopped and picked up what used to be a very dusty picture. Now it was dusty and very cracked. Penny.

I hadn't really thought about her much since my ELE days. I mean, sure she popped into my head every once and a while. Okay, I thought about her all the time. I wasn't really sure if I was mad at her or if I still loved her. She was sweet. She got me into the League. But she dated my arch-nemesis. She told me that everything would be _okay_, because Captain Hammer would save us. She actually trusted that pathetic buffoon.

Still, regardless of my current uncertainty, she is-_was-_ the girl of my dreams. I saw her every Wednesday and Thursday. There towards the end, we had some really nice verbal connection. She liked frozen yogurt. She liked the feel of warm clothes in her hand. She liked to help other people. She failed to recognize a cheesy douchebag when she saw one. We were going to rule the world together. If things had turned out differently, anyway.

I lost track of time, staring at Penny. It was as though my freeze ray was acting on the whole world, and I was free to think about Penny for a while. It was nice.

"Who is she?" asked a voice from behind me. Nefarious. I quickly put the picture face down on my desk.

"Penny," I said, quietly. I cleared my throat, which just made the situation a little more awkward.

"Oh, that's Captain Hammer's girlfriend, isn't it? The one who got you your big break," she recalled. She was silent, pondering for a second. "Did you- Oh, my God!" she said when she realized what was going on. Well, I think she realized what was going on.

"Yeah," was all I could respond. Nefarious was probably judging me right now. As a loser who by some luck made it into the ELE, and has a crush on the girl he killed to get in. Pathetic. And it really was, but for some reason, I couldn't help it.

"How did you know each other?" she asked, gently.

"Laundromat," I replied. "Wednesdays and Thursdays. She knew me as Billy." Billy. He was the one that missed Penny, not me.

"You miss her, don't you?" she asked. I didn't reply. "I know how you feel," she sighed. "Your alter-ego always gets in the way, and you really need someone to talk to. But, at the same time, you don't want to feel like a complete dork by pining over them. Because that's not what evil people do."

She had pretty much voiced everything I had been thinking in the past few minutes, which was remarkable. I turned to her. I wondered how she knew so much about that.

"What-"

"Captain Hammer," she responded quickly. "He was a lot different before you met him." She paused. "Speaking of such, we should probably get started."

"Right," I agreed. I was glad of the subject change. It was a weird atmosphere when you had to really evil guys-well one guy and one girl-and they were talking about really emotional things.

"But, keep your head up, Billy buddy," Nefarious said as she pulled out draft paper from her belt. "Things are about to get a lot better."


End file.
